all of the remembering

I find myself desperately trying to remember it all. To breathe in the smells. To run my fingers through the golden hair that someday might turn a different shade. To focus on the curled toes, the dimples, the scrunched nose. The sound of the squeals, giggles and screeches. I want to remember the funny way […]

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a glimpse at hope

“That is how it goes with hope. It is not tidy, staying in its own little corner.

No, it shows up and weaves itself around all of the things that already exist, with no clear distinction between what is only longed for and what is actually to come.

And no matter our knowledge of how delicate and fragile it is, or how quickly the stalk appears to grow frail and wither before us, it is impossible to extract its roots –even as we see it become threatened and damaged beyond repair.

That’s it. That’s all it takes. Just that tiny seed of hope, and she is created.

The mother.

I used to think it took more than that. Maybe a certain week of pregnancy reached or the eventual child she holds that marked her creation.

But it’s not.

It is just hope. It is just that rooted dream that never leaves her heart.”

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The world told me…

The world told me we wouldn’t make it. The world told me we were too young. Too different. Too naive. The world said we would fail. That we would regret. That we would never do the things we wanted. Achieve the dreams we hoped for. The world told me that motherhood was not enough. That […]

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A letter to my childless friends–

I know that this is not a version of me that you know. I know that you are used to me jumping in the car and catching a spur-of-the-moment movie. I know that we can usually catch lunch together throughout the week, and for that entire hour you have my undivided attention. I know that […]

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Where does Mommy end?

Where does Mommy end? A question that has floated into my mind sporadically over the last year. In moments when all I want to do is sit down and read a long awaited book, but my house has recently been ransacked by a small monster with a strange affinity for collecting laundry and flinging it around like […]

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the weight of mommy guilt

Expectation: There are a lot of aspects of motherhood that are not voiced. In fact, that was one of the many reasons that I wanted to start this blog. I wanted to hold myself accountable to be honest and real about the struggles, the joys, and the completely unforeseen obstacles that motherhood has presented to […]

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A Birth Story

If you’re anything like me, you are visiting this page because you typed “birth story” into your search bar, and with a protruding belly and half squeezed shut eyes you are gazing through what may seem like the scariest corner of the internet. The day ahead may seem full of both the joy and anticipation of a child’s Christmas while also shadowed with the ominous gloom that hovers around Doomsday…

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Pregnancy

Expectation: During my first few years of marriage, when baby fever drifted in and out of my life like a recurring cold, I would absentmindedly caress my belly and imagine the perfect round ball that would appear one day. I imagined the glow. You know, the one everyone always talks about. I hoped it would […]

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