all of the remembering

I find myself desperately trying to remember it all. To breathe in the smells. To run my fingers through the golden hair that someday might turn a different shade. To focus on the curled toes, the dimples, the scrunched nose.

The sound of the squeals, giggles and screeches. I want to remember the funny way Jayne thinks the word “surprise” is “good prize” and how she repeats it back to me like they are the exact same.

I want to remember that warm feeling where I could actually feel my love expand in my chest when Davis crawled on me to give me a kiss and collapse his little body on top of mine in an enveloping hug.

And while I desperately want to remember it all. I know that I won’t. I know that the moments will compound and some memories will fall through the cracks.

Until another baby comes or passes by and reminds me of the way my babies once did that same sweet thing, too.

I think so many moms have told us that we’re going to miss this that it’s become a knee jerk reaction (at least for me) to pull out my phone and try to catalogue it all. Videos. Photos. Writing it down.

Our phones make it so easy.

But lately, I’ve purposely stopped myself from getting up and grabbing my phone to snap a photo. I have very intentionally found a way to be comfortable in not capturing it all.

Because when I stop to think about it, I find myself laughing. I have maybe 3 or 4 albums of childhood photos. All the home videos I have seen are on 2 or 3 VHS tapes. And while I do love to go down memory lane, it’s also something we only do a few times every few years.

I can’t even imagine the length of time it’s going to take my kids to wade through all the video and photos of just their first few years of life.

I don’t know very many people who flip through their baby books on a daily basis.
I don’t know many people who binge watch their baby videos.

But I do know two little kids who would like my undivided attention pretty much every moment of every day. And while it can’t always be that way, sometimes it can.
So, instead of trying to stop the inevitable. To preserve it all. I think I’m going to try to just enjoy it without the pressure of “catching” it, too.

 

Posted by

Kailee Marie Wise. Wife. Mother. Among other things.

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